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As we near Christmahanakwanzakah, I'd like to reflect the mass consumerism that is at the very heart of this special time of year. Whilst shopping for the perfect gift, have you thought to yourself, "I bet they already have an ipod/charger/digital camera/wii/xbox360/whatever...there just doesn't seem to be anything really unique or interesting to buy for my special someones this year!" I know I've definitely felt that way.

Well, fear not, these will not make it to you in time for holiday 2007, but there's always 2008:

If you're cheap and you like your thrills to be short-lived affairs, why not try these on for size? They'll compliment any IT or software engineer's desk (except for your boss's boss's boss's anal-retentive "software architect" level engineer...those guys would only enjoy

Hmmm...too tame you say? How about something a little bit weirder?



Weird right? But still too small right? I mean, why not just go all out and get some really weird yet interesting (useful?) stuff?

So, as you can see, you clearly have not seen it all in this life (and definitely not in the next). Remember, to look far and wide for the next great gift that your recipient will quiet wonder what they heck you were thinking while they outwardly beam to your face. Go forth and consume!

Get your baby jesus here folks! Step right up!

There's not that much wrong with this except that you're basically teaching your kids that if something is endorsed by a famous person then it's worth buying. If you didn't see what was wrong with the previous statement, you might as well hop in you Suburban, drive 47 miles to the nearest Walmart, pick up 4 big macs for lunch while inside, and buy this thing right now. Hurry! Be a consumer!



I think my problem with this toy is why the heck would your hamster care if it had the Batcave as its hideout?



Sent from my Window Mobile 5 Pocket PC.

Welcome to another installment of F'ed Up Toys with your host Tommy the toy-aisle-roamer.



For our first f'ed up toy, we have Spongebob's Ants in the Pants. I'm not sure if this is really something that you want to encourage your kids to do, but if ant bites in your nether regions are your thing, then have at it.



I'm not sure what the point of this game is, but I'm sure it can't be all that educational. It's probably a heck of a lot of fun for drunken frat parties however...but that's besides the point.



Anyway, try not to mess your kids up too much this holday season...I guess if you get them this, you can always throw in some real ants to ensure you get a few kicks out of it too. Hey, if you're going to screw up your kids, you may as well have fun doing it.



Sent from my Window Mobile 5 Pocket PC.

A review for you pre-teen, mall-rat wannabes:



To your friends, you should say:

Lke OMG! I can't believe they would make such a lame ass game. I mean look at those girls on the cover of the box. They're like all into themselves and how they look. It's like they think all we care about is looking good, buying shoes, and going to the mall. How stupid.



To your parents, you should say:

And, I need "mall madness" the game for a project in school that shows how commercial everything has become. Can you take me to the mall to get it?



And secretly in your heart:

Now I can finally be a pretty girl. Yay!

I am introducing a new series called "F'ed Up Toys" just in time for the holidays. Why? Because you need all the help you can to mess your kids up really good to get them back for the havoc they cause in your life (I kid! I kid!).



So to kick this off right, let's take a look at the ultra chrome MP3 Escalade. WTF is this thing? Notice that the wheels are so proportionately large that they'd be like 48 inches in real life. Now, I know that make some of you up and coming hip hop moguls shudder with the same excitement as the first time you knocked up that ho and ran for the next county, but please don't give this to your kids. And if you're eyeing this for yourself rather than your kids...I pray for your children and your children's children.